Day 11: To Be or Not To Be Mexican?

To Be or Not To Be Mexican?

What am I?

Hispanic? Mexican? Latina? White? American? Bi-racial? Why isn’t there a box to check that says confused?

What do you see when you look at me? You must see my fair skin, my freckles, and my colored eyes and think she has to be white. You must hear my broken, choppy Spanish and think she’s not a real Mexican. She has to be white. How can people label me without even knowing me?

In the mirror, I see a girl who’s always struggled to find her place and with every label and assumption her identity was blurred. For the longest time, I identified as bi-racial because genetically I am. You take my Mexican mother who raised me and my white absent “dad” who abandoned me and BAM you get bi-racial!

What does it even mean to be bi-racial? I quickly discovered being bi-racial means not fitting in. Ni de aqui y ni de alla. My younger self desperately wanted to erase my Mexican DNA and roots. I was too ashamed to speak the little Spanish I knew, I straightened my hair daily to tame my wild wavy strands, and I lathered and practically bathed in sunblock because I didn’t want my skin to get dark. I solely told people that I was white but I quickly realized I've always been too white for the Mexicans and too Mexican for the whites. I don’t blame my younger self for erasing half of who she was to try to fit in. 

Now as an adult, to heal my inner child, I embrace the language, the traditions, and the physical characteristics that I tried to conceal for a long time. I get excited when I have opportunities to learn and speak Spanish, I rock my natural wavy hair and still feel beautiful, and love sharing about making tamales y buñuelos.  

I wish I could say that the world accepts me now but it doesn’t. Everyday I have to prove myself. The reality is that the world may never fully accept me and see me the way I want to be seen but I’ll continue to use my broken, choppy Spanish to speak my truth. Our truth.

Now I’ll ask again, what am I?

Estoy aqui y estoy alla and that will always be enough.

About the Author

Calista Llamas, fourth-grade classroom teacher & Somos Escritoras Writing Mentor

She is the daughter of a single mother. She grew up in the small town of Lockhart, Texas, known for its delicious barbeque. Calista is a first-generation college graduate. She earned her bachelor’s in Early Childhood Education in 2021 from The University of Texas at Austin. She is currently a fourth-grade classroom teacher and softball coach. When Calista is not in the classroom, she enjoys walking her dog, spending time with family, reading, and writing. She views writing as a form of healing and speaking her truth. Her goal is to be the person she needed when she was younger.

About the Blog Series

The #LatinaLuminaries Blog Series by Somos Escritoras. The series was created to illuminate the wisdom, experiences, voices, and truths of Latina women and girls and the broader Latinx community. The blog series features writing from escritoras (participants) and writing mentors from Somos Escritoras Latinx Writing Workshop. Published Latina authors, writers, poets, and illustrators who presented at our workshop also contributed to the blog series.